Funny Sayings

Funny sayings are really fun to read and believe. Here are some of the best funny sayings that will make you laugh if you are upset and will bring a smile on your face if you are distressed.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted. Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.

It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it, but it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives.

An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault.

If The Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me.

Man was predestined to have free will.

Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.

Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped. To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I’ve done it a thousand times. Murphy was an optimist. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.

A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.

Youth is a malady of which one becomes cured a little every day. He’s turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he’s miserable and depressed.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.

Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter.

Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.

There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family.

Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet.

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God’s mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you’ve just made a down payment on a house.

A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.

And on the eighth day God said, “Okay, Murphy, you’re in charge!”

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

Girls are like pianos. When they’re not upright, they’re grand.

As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take the course he will. He will be sure to repent.

My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good wife, you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.